First Memories

It started with some lights. Looking up into a blend of yellow, blue, green and white as they gently flickered between each other. I remember seeing this and feeling very calm. Then I remember trying to move, but was unable to. I could look to either side, but for some reason I couldn’t get up or roll over. After struggling for a while, and trying to figure out why I couldn’t move, I gave up and went back to watching the lights move around until I eventually fell asleep.

Later in life, my mom, brother and I were discussing the first memories (what is the first thing you can remember) and after I told her this she was shocked. Apparently this memory of the lights was when I was an infant. My mom and Aunt Julie would set my cousin Michael and I under a tree in the front yard (I don’t recall the species—my guess is an elm, sycamore or maple) with broad, translucent leaves. They would do this regularly and she said it calmed the babies (several at the time) and I in particular enjoyed it. Granted, my enjoyment of it at the time was possibly due to me being able to just be.

According to everyone, I was a “good” baby in that I didn’t fuss or cry. I was mostly just quiet and watched everyone. A lot of people wondered if there was something wrong with me because I didn’t laugh or giggle or fight back or much of anything in particular as the other babies did. I usually sat around watching the world around me. Looking at everything in a room and taking in everyone’s actions.

My next oldest memory is a series of flashes when we lived in Cedar Creek near Austin. I recall there being a pond with ducks and my dog Lady (a black lab) chasing the ducks. She made me feel safe when things got bad. I still miss her. There was also the strong smell of cow poop from the neighbor’s cows, which turned into a source of comfort when I got to college. Anytime it would rain after the farmers put out manure, I would smell it and think of one of the few happy times in my childhood—before I knew enough to be afraid of my dad. 

The next distinct memory was of my aunts and mom arguing. My aunt Sherry wanted to take me and the other kids to get haircuts and also wanted to clip our nails. My mom didn’t want my nails to be clipped, and also didn’t want me to have any candy for some reason (I learned why when I was older). So we walked to the barbershop—Aunt Sherry, Aunt Julie, my cousins, Michael and Daniel—and afterwards my aunts tried to give me candy. After a lot of refusing I eventually gave into the pressure and accepted it. This was the first sucker and gummy bears I can remember having. I really enjoyed the gummy bears even though I really didn’t want them. When we got back to the house, Sherry began clipping everyone’s nails. I told her not to clip mine, and she did it anyway saying, “Oh, it’ll be alright, your mom told me I could do it right before we left for the barber.” Well, later that night she got back and found out what happened. They then had a big argument about it and I realized I shouldn’t trust my aunts.

The next significant memory is of my brother being born—I was two years old at this point. I didn’t understand what was going on, only that we were at the hospital for mama. We drove there, then drove back home, then drove there again the next morning. I then remember sitting in her hospital room and being really cold. One of the nurses brought me a blanket and a snack while I was in the chair with my mom. When she left the room my dad took the blanket away and made me sit on the floor (I laid down at some point). He also ate my snack.

After a while I started crying softly because of how uncomfortable I was and my dad made me go outside the door by myself. I kept crying and eventually a man came by who stopped and comforted me. According to my mom, that man was Tom Brokaw who was visiting his mom (or grandmother) in the hospital. After talking with me a bit, he took me into the room and said stuff to my dad. After that we left because my dad was angry. He drug me out of the hospital—I was scared and worried about my mom because I didn’t understand she was giving birth. I remember crying and trying to get my dad to take me back to the hospital because I thought mama was going away. It was frightening to be driving away from the hospital and not knowing what was going on. I remember looking out the back window at the hospital, crying and trying to get my dad to take me back because I thought mama was going away. A day or two later Thomas came home with mama and I wasn’t as worried anymore.